300 (Film Review)

I’VE JUST COME BACK from seeing “300” at the cinema and I’m not really sure what all the hype was about to be honest. For those that don’t know, 300 tells the story of the 300 Spartans who are alleged to have held a mountain pass at Thermopylae (also known as the Battle Of Thermopylae in 480 BC) against an advancing army of tens of thousands of Persians. On the one side, King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) leads the Spartans and (for a while) some not-so-great-at-fighting Acadians. On the other side, a veritable horde of mad things, beasts, immortals and archers led by the God-King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro).

Long story short.. the 300 hold out for 3 days until they are betrayed, and die a valiant death defending freedom, honour and oh all that other crap too. God I’m getting bored even writing this

This movie is not meant to be a historical epic, accurately told; it’s more of a spectacle with exaggerations everywhere and lots of ‘poetic license’ in effect. Shot almost exclusively in CGI-mode against a blue screen, Zack Snyder (Director) brings the graphic novel of Frank Millar (of Sin City fame) and Lynn Varley’s graphic novel vividly to life, the only problem is the whole affair is pretty much plot free, simplistic, more style than substance and visceral to the max.

The battle scenes are handled very effectively though, and as long as you can suspend your disbelief for a bit – which let’s face it is the reason most of us go the cinema in the first place – you won’t be too let down by the shallow story and the weak characters. As a spectacle it’s brash, effects laden, fast and satisfying. As a film – it’s certainly entertaining and probably worth your few [insert appropriate currency here] but don’t go in expecting anything more than sheer popcorn entertainment.

Then again, if you like nipples, you’re in for a visual feast…

Oh yeah – then there is the music. Holy crap the music is hard as nails in this flick. It opens with the usual haunting middle eastern Gladiator-esque tones, and then every time a battle kicks off it drops hard and fast into some metal madness, and I’m not sure if it was just the configuration in the cinema where I saw this or not, but the sound was cranked all the way up; loud as hell.

The lads all looked ripped, and I’m talking RIPPED here! Six packs to beat the band, muscles gleaming in the sun… mostly all CGI I’d hazard to suggest, but well done nonetheless. The female parts in this sword and sandals foray are mostly limited to Lena Headey (as the Spartan Queen) who is pretty wooden all round – but it has to be said has some of the greatest nipples I’ve ever seen ) – assuming of course they weren’t also a CGI effect!?! Actually come to think of it the only other female role is that of an Oracle, who basically does a quick dance and shows of some stunning nipple as well. Hmm… I’m sensing a pattern here

There is probably something here for everyone I suppose. The guys will enjoy the blood and guts battles and combat, and of course the nipples. The fanboys and comic-geeks will love the graphic novel references and cinematography / setups. The ladies will probably love the six packs and leather jerkins… actually the gay community will appreciate the same things too! Kids will love the entire spectacle and just relish the slow motion combat and effects. I guess the only ones who won’t enjoy this film are the Iranians.

You see they are protesting that this film is an assault on their culture, as they did with Alexander – apparently it’s something to do with portraying them as being ‘easy to beat’ in a fight, but really – there’s nothing to get so worked up about. It’s a film. It’s a harmless diversion for a couple of hours.

Of course no summer flick is complete without its one-liners and memorable quotes, and in this department “300″ doesn’t disappoint. In one exchange with a Persian emissary the Spartans are threatened with the sheer scale of the opposition; “Our archers will blot out the sun” the emissary boasts, “Then we will fight in the shade” the Spartan warrior responds. It’s all very tongue in cheek as well at parts and then of course there are the obligatory rousing shouts every now and then like “Eat a hearty breakfast lads, for tonight we dine in hell!“. All good fun one way or another.

As for the actual technical process of bringing this to the screen, it’s pretty impressive what Zack Snyder has managed to do. The style and delivery of the scenes has graphic novel written all over it, a testament to the source material from Frank Millar and Lynn Varley; and some set pieces are literally ripped straight from the pages of the graphic novel itself – great stuff for the comic book geeks to drool over I guess.

Still – it’s taking in huge box office receipts in the USA for some reason. I don’t think it will do as well here in Europe though. There aren’t quite as many fanboys and geeks over here and cinema audiences also demand more from their films across Europe I think. I guess I’ll have to wait and see how the film performs. For now though I’ll apply my usual standard of evaluation to it: Would I buy this film to add to my DVD collection?

I suppose the answer is not immediately upon release, but maybe when it’s down in the bargain basement I’ll be tempted. I’m glad I saw it and I did enjoy my popcorn fuelled two hours in the cinema, but I wouldn’t be rushing back to see it again in a hurry; not even for those nipples!