WE ALL NEED a rubber stamp like this, every now and again…

Let’s face it, life rarely goes exactly to plan. If it isn’t your work getting in the way of you actually, you know, living… then it’s your lifestyle getting in the way of you doing anything useful. Unless of course you are one of those very lucky few people who have found themselves doing exactly what they want.

Me? I’m not in that club. I’m in the same boat most of the rest of the western world is in right now. Working too hard to barely keep ahead of the next crisis and trying to keep my head above water without loosing the will to live. It’s difficult and it sometimes seems like an endless list of problems and shit just waiting to hit you… but I have discovered a fool proof way of dealing with the stress.

It’s called a ‘Fuck It!” rubber stamp, and everyone should get one. Immediately!

Next time you run into a problem that you just can’t be arsed solving, simply rubber stamp it with a nice crisp “FUCK IT!” and then forget about it!

This approach works extremely well on ‘to do’ lists, emails, work requests and requisitions, invoices, wedding invitations, bus tickets, handouts people try to give you in the street, expensive receipts, ex-girlfriends,annoying neighbours, nuns, visa bills, monthly reports, traffic wardens, project plans, whining children, invalid lotto tickets, door to door salespeople, out of date milk, lists of any kind whatsoever, inlaws, recruitment agents, missed opportunities and in fact most problems of any nature at all that you can think of.

Try it. I think you will agree it delivers instant satisfaction and a kind of stress-release everyone needs at some point.

I dare you!

IRELAND INC may be in shite (with worse to come before it gets better), but there are still some good things happening which we need to focus on…

It’s easy to get lost in doom and gloom in the middle of one of the worst recessions this country has ever seen. Hell I’m as guilty as the next person of falling into the same old traps because, as usual, it looks like we (and by ‘we’ I mean me, you and every other private sector worker in the country) are going to have to fund the recovery over the next few years whilst others get away scot free. I think I’ve finally figured out what the “Inc” in “Ireland Inc.” stands for too… Incompetent, Nearsighted and Corrupt. So yes it’s true to say that the bastards that caused all this mess are gettig away pretty easy compared to the rest of us, and I wouldn’t even deny that the corruption and incompetence will probably prevail through to the recovery, but there are some side effects of this recession which should make our lives a little easier going forward if we can just hang on in there and get through it.

For starters “Rip Off Ireland” is getting a kick in the nuts at long last. For the last decade prices in this country have been out of control and we’ve been getting royally screwed at the retail and services end of things. Some of those greedy bastards that were raking in our cash are now going to the wall and I certainly wont miss ‘em. So even though we have to take some pain in the short term, the longer term outlook should be better going forward. For example…

House prices are coming down, and will continue to do so for a while yet. Bad news for those of us with large mortgages and negative equity, but good news for the country as a whole in the long term as house prices return to some kind of normailty.  I won’t be shedding any tears for the property developers who go to the wall either; greedy bastards took enough from us as it is, and if the government wasn’t so spinless we’d be getting it back now through the courts.

Car prices are also dropping. Granted those of us who payed a fortune for the big rigs in the boom years are getting hit hard now because the same motors aren’t worth a fuck now in the second hand market, but new car prices are dropping at a huge rate and, given the number of car dealerships closing every month, you can pretty much haggle the arse out of any deal now with them and they will bend over backwards in order to get a sale and keep their job. The same fuckers who wouldn’t let you in the door a year ago because you didn’t look like you were floating in cash will now kiss your arse to get you in to purchase anything at all.

The politicians have been exposed for what they really are, a bunch of self serving, corrupt, greedy, nearsighted and incompetent fuckwits, most of which ought to be behind bars or on dole queues with the rest of us. The downside of course is that this has always been the case, but is only becoming more obvious in recent times given the issues the country is facing and of course the seemingly endless series of scandals and media exposes. On the brighter side, I seriously doubt the Greens or Fianna Fail will get a look in again at the next election. Unless of course they grow a set of balls and actually adress the bloated public sector problems we have in this country. I’m not talking about the teachers, nurses, fire brigade or cops here; I’m not even talking about the genuine folks who do an honest day’s work. I am in fact referring to the massive amount of wasters and wastage that exists within the public sector, the mandarins and beauracrats, the clerical officers and administrative staff who bring no value what so ever to the frontlines, who cost this state billions of euro every year and deliver absolutely fucking nothing in return. It would be nice to see those gits taking some of the pain for a change.

Hell, even the price of hookers is dropping in the big smoke. I came across a website recently which was advertising ‘credit crunch’ deals and ‘recession busting’ hourly rates for escorts in and around Dublin. Even they seem to have realised that in a downturn price is king. Discretionary spend is rapidly going to shrink and unless everyone starts to compete on price they won’t get a look in… Even for the oldest profession in town! That should merge nicely with the hotels dropping their prices dramatically in the last few months too. I wonder if they have moved to a ‘by the hour‘ model yet?

Plus, you can pretty much chance your arm now in any department store, online retailer or service provider, looking for a better deal. Competition is king remember, so why don’t you try calling up Sky Ireland and telling them you’re thinking of leaving for a cheaper service… I guarantee you they will drop their price by 20-25% right then and there on the phone rather than loose your custom. You can apply this same logic to everywhere else and get some deals at last, and maybe even some value for a change.

And remember – when all the dust settles – just remember who got us here in the first place. It’s always you and me that has to fund the recovery, but let’s not forget the politicians, bankers and property developers who got us here folks. Because I can tell you I won’t forget ‘em, and next time I get my hands on one I will gladly ‘remind’ them of their culpability.

And even though you are probably either trying to keep a job, or worse trying to find one right now… just remember to hold your head up hight and fight back. Demand better from your politicians, from your retailers and anyone else who trys to sell you something. Go look for better deals. Don’t just assume that because you have been taking it up the ass for the last decade that you should continue to do so. Challenge the status quo.

Try it! You might just be surprised at the results. And in these recessionary times, any victory is a good victory in my book!

IF EVER you needed a clear sign that the recession is here in full force then look no further than the new McDonalds burger joint in Ennis, County Clare.

During the so-called “Celtic Tiger“ period the clearest sign that our economy was on the upswing was the fact that all the services jobs went to foreign nationals. By that what I mean is most of the jobs in the service industry were being filled by non-Irish people who had migrated here because the economy was booming. Service jobs were suddenly not good enough for Irish people and they ditched them and moved on to bigger and better things.

Conversely the surest sign that our economy is in the shithouse is when the non nationals start leaving the country to head elsewhere and, most importantly, when Irish people start looking at the service industry again as a viable employment opportunity… usually becauuse there is nothing else for them to work with.

And so we come to the opening of yet another McDonalds burger joint, this time in Ennis, County Clare. When they recently advertised for staff, they became overwhelmed by the sheer volume of prospective employees hoping for a chance to join the extended Ronald McDonald family. The noteworthy item however is not just the volume of respondants (over 500), but more the fact that a huge percentage of them are well-qualified Irish professionals, including accountants, architects and bankers, all looking to sign up to serve burgers for a living. Apparently so many people responded to the adverts for the jobs that the opening has had to be put back 2 weeks in order to process all the applications. This tells us two things on the recession-o-meter:

1. There are already too many professionals out on their asses from recent job cuts and now they are looking to do any job possible to bring in a wage, even working at a McDonalds.
2. The fact that Irish are applying for these minimum wage jobs again in the service industry highlights the exodus of non-nationals to other countries.

It’s oficial folks; if you have a job do whatever you can to keep it. It’s going to be a rough 2 years for everyone.

IT’S A YEAR I’d rather forget, and if I could throw some petrol on it and light a match I would, yet looking forward into 2009 is like standing on the edge of an deep abyss.

It started out so differently and I can remember this time last year being full of hope for the future, where as now I realise I was just operating on bad instincts and false promises at the time. I had thought 2008 was going to bring a measure of personal and professional success, but instead it delivered betrayal, bad judgement and seemingly endless trials.

I write this article not to divulge the details or to bitch and moan for no good reason, rather I commit these words to posterity so that I will not forget, so that I will mark this occasion and remember well the hard lessons learned this year as we all face into an uncertain future in 2009.

The global economy has faltered and crashed, the banks are in disarray requiring bail out packages from governments. The outlook in pretty bleak with over 50% of surveyed companies indicating that they are shedding staff in order to cope with rising costs and falling revenues. Everywhere you look it’s getting tougher, and I suspect it will be like this for a couple of years at least before any semblance of balance is restored. I’m lucky enough to still at least have a job, but I have no illusions about that either. Everything is pretty fragile heading into 2009.

And so, when I consider what could have been, and how differently the past year might have been if things had worked out as originally planned and promised, well I think I would just prefer to douse the entire thing in petrol and throw a burning match over my shoulder upon it as I turn my back on the year once and for all.

Although the burning pyre that was 2008 was a disaster for me I know it was a great year for others and to those lucky individuals I wish them continued success and good fortune. In the great balancing scales of our existence some must go up while others fall further; it is inevitable and rightly so. Good needs bad, success is defined in contrast only to failure. Let this brief post serve as a reminder so that - if I am lucky enough to still be here in one year and find myself looking back at 2009 – I can compare and contrast this low ebb, this point in time. Who knows, maybe the scales will have balanced back in my favour this time next year, or perhaps I’m only at the start of the slide downwards.

Enough said. Christmas is upon us. Whichever shared delusion religion you subscribe to I wish you a safe and happy break from the usual rat race. Enjoy the time with family and friends if possible.

Me? I’m going to warm my hands on the burning pyre that was 2008

ONCE AGAIN it seems Ireland is leading the race to the bottom of the pile when it comes to the provision of quality broadband services.

According to a survey carried out recently Irish broadband subscribers are only getting an average of 60% of the advertised services. Of course they are paying for 100% of the service, but are getting shafted by their suppliers and only receiving the lower quality / slower speeds instead. Irish mobile broadband users don’t fare out much better either, receiving an average of only 64% of their advertised services.

The report by Ireland Internet Performance Index, published by Epitiro, a technology provider that installs software agents in networks to measure performance, found that Dublin came seventh out of eight cities in Europe for broadband quality. The testing by Epitiro focused on the cities of Limerick, Dublin, Galway and Cork, and ISPs (internet service providers) were not forewarned of the mystery shopping exercise

It’s even worse news if – like me – you are a gamer. Most of us would agree that sub-100ms ping times are required in order to play effectively online, and sub-50ms ping times are desireable if competing online. Unfortunately the same survey found out that most of us are only getting an average of 190+ms ping times. Not one single ISP was capable of delivering sub-100ms ping times. How fucked up is that?

For over a decade Eircon managed to  hold up the development and deployment of a proper broadband infrastruture in this country, not to mention stifling any competition, and now that we have both (technically speaking) it still seems impossible to get any sort of a decent service from the ISPs here.

I don’t know if it’s down to bad provisioning or bad management but at the end of the day the result is the same. We continue to get shafted and pay higher than average prices for a crap service.

PICTURE THIS, a passenger goes mental on a flight and the air crew have to do something before it gets out of control. The answer? Why Duct Tape of course…

Maria Esther Castillo of Oswego, N.Y., was due in court today, charged with resisting arrest and interfering with the operations of a flight crew aboard United Airlines Flight 645, from Puerto Rico to Chicago. It seems she went a bit ‘off her rocker’; slapping air crew on the ass, grabbing at other passengers and even managing to somehow fall on a blind guy in his seat.

Faced with an out-of-control passenger the clever air crew resorted to some trusty duct tape because ankle cuffs apparently kept slipping off Castillo, so the flight crew and two passengers were forced to use duct tape to keep her in her seat. Cool eh? Can you just imagine the scene as the feds boarded the plane to take custody of the offending passenger once it finally landed?

Still – it’s hardly surprising that air rage is on the increase. Violence in general is on the up all across the world, and it’s starting at a very early age. Earlier than even I expected. Recently published statistics in the UK show that More than 1,500 children aged four and under were suspended from schools in the past year. Want to guess what the chief offence was?

Yup. You guessed it.  580 five-year-olds, 300 four-year-olds and 120 three-year-olds were given fixed-term exclusions for attacking another pupils. Suspensions happen every year, but this is the first year that the government has given a breakdown of the reasons for suspensions among various ages of primary school children and that’s why the results are so shocking. If children are behaving like this at that age, what chance do they stand of making it through adolescence to adulthood in one piece?

It’s pretty insane when you think about it, but I guess the trusty duct tape could come in handy for the kids as well right? Hmm… I can think of a few handy uses to keep ‘em quite and confine them to their seats. That would certainly restore a bit of order. Throw in a few custom made objects of torture, maybe the odd paedophile or a religious wingnut or two and you’ve got yourself a perfect christian brother atmosphere of learning through the discipline of pure terror. That’ll certainly restore some order in the classrooms. Hell it worked for me so why not everyone else?

Actually – thinking back now I’m glad we didn’t have any access to duct tape back then. It was hairy enough when we got our hands on the chemistry sets and labs, I can’t imagine the chaos that could have ensued if we’d managed to get creative with duct tape as well. Hmmmmm. Messy.

So – perhaps we should start kids off on the right track. Get that duct tape discipline up and running before their first birthday and you won’t have any issues with them in later life. Strap ‘em up on the walls when they give you any grief

IN RECENT years it has been three foot high Darth Vadars and six feet high “school girls”, so what do you think my chances are this Halloween of something different?

Yup… exactly what I was thinking too. None. Nada. Zip. 

Once the usual round of Spidermen, Batmen, Ghouls and Zombies have gone (let’s call this the first wave) the volume dies down a bit but the age group goes up. It seems to me that once the first wave, usually escorted by parents, passes by your door there is a lull of sorts until the second wave kicks in, and this is when it usually gets a bit weird, and believe me some costumes at Halloween are very very weird.

Last year I can distinctly recall opening the door to two six foot high females in what I can only describe as school girl costumes. What this has to do with Halloween is beyond me. I’ve no idea what age they were, but kids they were not. Maybe they were hookers on a local fundraising tour, who knows.

The point is in recent years the second wave of callers tends to be older, more risque and certainly weirder. But unfortunately with weird does not come inventive or even sexy. Not usually anyway.

So listen up Universe… If you want to make my Halloween special this year, then how about taking note of that photo above and having one of them call to my door looking for a trick or treat, well let’s be honest it’s going to be more of a treat isn’t it?

IF EVER we needed proof of the huge divide between the haves and the have nots in America just take a look at what Nieman Marcus will be selling next month…

All over America this week most people are probably worrying about the value of their dollar; some people are wondering if they will still have their house next month, others are wondering if they will even have a job next week. All around them their carefully constructed infomercially safe homespun world is crashing down in a whirlwind of financial disasters and broken political promises. It’s pretty much all doom and gloom no matter where they look and the outlook going forward isn’t getting much better.

Unless of course they happen to be looking at the items soon to be on sale from Nieman Marcus as announced today.

Fancy a custom golf course designed by Jack Nicklaus in your backyard in time for Christmas? It’s a steal at only $1M. Got $110,00 to spare? Then all you have to do is decide between shooting some hoops with the Harlem Globetrotters or purchasing a carbon fibre motorbike that will hurl you down the road at 190 mph.

Still, if you find yourself a little pushed for cash in these troubled times you can still get a bargain basement option. Fancy seeing a life size replica of yourself in Lego? No problem – it will only set you back about $60,000.

I’m sure there will be queues around the block for these items when they go on sale in the next month; let’s just hope the prospective purchases don’t have to walk past any of those unsightly homeless folks.

TRUST, like respect, is meant to be earned, not just given. These days trust is a rare commodity. We never trusted lawyers or politicians, but there used to be lots of other folks we could trust… but what about now? Who do you actually trust these days?
Think about it. In the good old days there were always certain people or professions that our parents taught us to place absolute faith trust in. These were typically the upstanding citizens or groups within our communities that seemed to be above it all, beyond question and utterly good… and therefore trustworthy. Times however have changed dramatically in the last few decades and all those old stable go-to people or professions seemed to have changed with them.

Trust me, I’m a Priest: There was a time, certainly when I was growing up here in Ireland, that you everyone looked to their priest to solve almost all problems. The priest was one of the most trustworthy individuals within the community, but not any more. Child abuse and sex scandals have seen to that. These days the very last thing most people want their children doing is going anywhere near a priest.

Trust me, I’m a Doctor: Doctors used to be the gods who walked upon the earth; our problem solvers, our aspiration (for all good families wanted a doctor in their ranks) and our advisors. These days however all we hear about is malpractice lawsuits, misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis (the recent cancer scares are enough to convice me the system is fucked completely!), super-bugs in the hospitals themselves and, well, the list goes on and on. Now days the very last place you want to be when you’re sick is a hospital.

Trust me, I’m a Pilot: The smart uniforms, smarter IQ (than most of us, required to fly the planes) and of course the superior attitude used to set these folks apart from the rest of us, but now they have been relegated to the status of bus drivers. Most planes can take off and land themselves and the pilots are only there for emergencies.. but the growing list of pilot errors and drunken pilots doesn’t exactly imbue the profession with a lot of confidence, although they do still have statistics on their side, given the number of flilghts taken every day.

Trust me, I’m a Banker: Time was this was the solid profession all mothers wanted their sons to get into. Long stable careers with plenty of money and huge social standing within the community. Now though they are seen as basically greedy crooks who can’t manage a business. Just look at the amount of banks going to the wall these days, the financial markets meltdown around the globe and the national bail outs required to keep these bankers in business. Would you trust your banker these days? Didn’t think so.

Trust me, I’m a Cop: I know it was a long time ago, but there was a time when cops were treated with respect because the community saw them as staunch upright protectors, paragons of virtue and upholders of the law. That view of course has changed a lot as a result of decades of corruption and racism. Time was when a person wouldn’t think twice about asking a cop for directions, but in some parts of the world you are just as likely to get beaten up for approaching one.

So I guess the big question is.. who do you trust these days? Who can you trust these days?

Things have changed so dramatically around our world that the old faithfuls have been washed away in a torrent of scandals, court cases and tribunals.

So I ask you, who do you trust these days?

IF I WAS TO ASK you how you liked your food, the chances are you might say ‘hot’, but these days you might also say naked or even blindfolded because dining has gone all kinky and shows no sign of returning to normal anytime soon.

It’s probably fair to say it all started with the Japanese and specifically with the dining experience known as Nyotaimori (Body Sushi). This form of dining is a service allowing restaurant customers to eat from the skin of a naked woman. Apart from her crotch, which is usually covered with some kind of garnish, the model’s modesty depends on the (temporary) position of the food on her body.  As a phenomenon, this kinky method of downing your raw fish received a lot of media attention in the West back in the 1990s but the reality is that such practices are rate in Japan and usually reserved for the Yakuza (Japanese Mafia).

In fairness when I was in Japan there a few years ago I didn’t find any of these establishments, but if I had come across one of these sushi joints with the naked women I’d probably have been tempted to check it out, although I’m not sure SusiQ would have shared my enthusiasm

Of course, not wishing to be outdone, the West responded in recent years with blindfold dining, also known as ‘dark dining’ The concept here is that all kinds of sensory provoking foods are served to completely blindfolded dining guests. In theory the blindness heightens other senses (like smell, taste, touch) thereby increasing the sensory experience and pleasure of eating the food in the first place. There are even some places who will cater for wedding parties in this manner. Go figure!

More recently again, and in New York in particular, the trend has now turned towards naked dining, where the only ones in the joint who are dressed are in fact the serving staff. All guests are required to be completely naked while dining. On the plus side I guess there is nowhere for anyone to stuck their mobile phones so at least your dining experience would be an quiet one.

As if that wasn’t whacky enough how about attending a dinner party on a frame hanging from a crane, suspended 150m above the ground? You think I’m kidding… check out the photo on the left there and think again. This is yet another direction for diners to consider, known as extreme dining, where the food is served in, well, extreme circumstances.

I love my food and in fairness I’m not above a bit of kinky now and then, but I do have to wonder what’s next for diners in this growing trend towards the extreme. It’s as if we’ve all become bored with a normal existance and now must seek pleasure in dark and dangerous places because we’re afraid that if we don’t do something extreme we will just fade away into the background, like everyone else.

Just how extreme does dining need to be I wonder?