Putting The “Fun” Back Into Christian Fundamentalism
October 30, 2006 (6 Responses)
DO YOU HAVE WHAT it takes to put the “fun” back into fundamentalism? If you think you can meet the criteria then read on… but before we begin I feel the need to do a quick recap on the situation. It’s halloween for those of you that don’t know it – and that presents a particular issue for most Christian Fundamentalists, but more on that later.
The origins of Halloween and “Trick or Treat” are born in pagan rituals and celtic mythology, and these days it’s more about the goodies than anything else (Last year the house was under siege from what seemed like millions of the little buggers). It’s that time of the year again.
Tomorrow the whole spectacle will kick off officially, but I suspect from tonight the cacophony of chaos will commence in earnest and SusiQ and I will have a tough job keeping all the dogs from going nuts. Not only do we have our usual two cocker spaniels; this time we also are minding two cairns as well – so it’s a bit of a zoo, and it will be a noisy one once the fireworks and bangers start kicking off.
To offset my impending gloomy mood at the prospect of being overwhelmed by the minions of darkness (or ‘kids’ as they are sometimes referred to) I dug up some light hearted commentary on religion in general, but on Christian Fundamentalism specifically. It’s well known that most Christian Fundamentalists would be opposed to the pagentry and festival aspects of Halloween because of its pagan beginnings, so in honour of such killjoys I decided to do a post dedicated to the armies of the christian right and the soldiers of whathisname. Enjoy 
So – how do you know if you are actually a Christian Fundamentalist or not in the first place? Well – I guess you better check this list and see for yourself.
Top Ten Signs You Are A Christian Fundamentalist
10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!
6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. Â And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”
3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.
2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. Â You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. Â And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.
If you’re still a bit unsure about whether or not you are in fact a Christian Fundamentalist then perhaps the following questions will help guide you to your answer. Back in 2002 Dr. Laura Schlessinger (an American radio personality who dispensed advice to people) said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality was an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to the good doctor penned by an attentive listener which should prove informative and give you some guidence on how a good Christian Fundamentalist is supposed behave. Pay attention 
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Why Can’t I Own A Canadian?
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Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
So then – how did you do on the old whackjob-meter? Do you qualify for a full membership in the movement? Have you got what it takes to put the ‘fun’ back in fundamentalism, and eradicate the unbelievers from the face of the planet?
The letter to Dr Laura never gets old, I swear.
It’s also worth noting that most Christian holidays are placed in the vicinity of pagan holidays because they were attempting to supplant said holidays and take over the pagans. Thus we have the birth of Christ at the winter solstice and the death/resurrection at the Vernal Equinox. Plus we have All Saint’s Day after Halloween, which just happens to be the harvest season.
Pagans say the funniest thing/Fools open their mouths way too quickly:
10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
A10: There is no outrage – we are very comfortable in our belief.
9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized†when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
A9: Huh? We didn’t evolve – that is obvious. Or do you have a good explanation for the millions of species and the millions of scientific laws that prove there is no “coincidence” in creation.
8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
A8: Obviously, someone doesn’t know what the Trinity really means.
7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities†attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus†and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua†including women, children, and trees!
A7: Why should we have a problem with a Holy and Just God kills whatever He feels like?
6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
A6: and?
5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
A5: Anyone who spends any amount of time talking to a pagan about science is wasting their time. Being a Christian means serving God through Jesus – not about arguing with the dead.
4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant†and “loving.â€
A4: The Bible does not say anything about eternity of suffering – it says the evil will perish.
Get yer facts straight.
3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues†may be all the evidence you need to “prove†Christianity.
A3: Obviously, charismatic Christians do not accurately represent Christian fundamentals.
2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate†when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
A2: Actually, 100% of prayers are heard and answered when they have to do with the will of God. God is not a butler and is not interested in being treated as such.
1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.
A1: Wrong again. Some Christians do not know a lot but some know way more than any pagan. Listen to John McArthur as an example.
The truth is that most of the world is “smart” enough to know there is a God but just don’t have the facts. The 10% dumbest part of the world are atheists who believe everything just “made itself” when they know that that can’t even be true.
“The 10% dumbest part of the world are atheists who believe everything just “made itself†when they know that that can’t even be true.”
And, yet, God is a supreme being? I wouldn’t suppose that he just made himself. You obviously know nothing of science. Nor, are you willing to expand your views. “Science is just wrong!” Let me guess, you most likely fail to see the contradictions of the bible, believe in the exact numbers and events recorded therein, believe that it was written in English, and not by men, but God (who isn’t quite sure of the details himself. See Genesis 1 & 2 accounts for Adam & Eve). The Bible is merely a historical record- of which a large portion remains unverified. We have yet to see the biblical records grow, shedding more light upon existance of humanity and God.
And, If we get the jist of what your are saying, you were brought to this page by Christ’s spirit and the condecendng response you posted wasn’t yours, but the All Loving Jesus himself working throught you who wants all “nonbelievers” that bible-thumping bloggers like your are so much smarter and will be rewarded with eternity while we and the Charismatic Christians may or may not be tormented in the eternal fire. (We’ll leave eternal open to your interpretation).
By the way, you refered to the facts. Look up the definition of FACT and OPINION, read the bible, read a college-level general Biology text and then get back with us on just what FACTs are.
Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.
“Jesus loves you, but I’m his favourite”
I tip my hat sir, to your sublime retort. Keep it coming !!
Wonderful and engaging post and interesting comments all around (I also enjoyed Jerome’s retort)! I have never read that letter to Laura before but it really killed me. Interesting to note that a gentleman came to my Halloween decorated house the other day, wanting to save me. The problem was that he came to the door at 9pm on a Saturday when my husband and I were just getting into our pajamas to watch a movie before retiring. We politely told him that we hoped he has a good evening, but we are not interested in being “solicited†at this time of the evening. He got angry and yelled at us. God would not wait for us to finish our evening activities and why would we not listen to him when he only wanting to save our souls. Again I said I was sorry that we upset him, but that we were not interested and for him to have a good night. He finally left yelling at us down the walk. We closed the door and looked at each other a bit baffled by the experience.
I actually feel for those door to door God salesmen (or women) these days. What a hard job to sell a product one cannot touch or feel to a materialist world. I really always feel for them in general. It has got to be a real bitch of a job! So, I try to be nice because I know that many of these folks are required to do this door to door work by their church. Canvassing, I am sorry to say, has never been my thing. But, being the good secularist I am, showing up at 9pm on a Saturday night! Geeze. Come on. Just another example of world views clashing. R
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