Weekend Legal Looney Tunes

I’VE NEVER HAD MUCH FAITH in the legal system, not just our own one here in Ireland, any legal system in fact. This is because once you step inside a courtroom the game (and make no mistake, it becomes a game from that point on) is no longer about justice, it’s about law. It’s about who knows more loopholes and legal mumbo jumbo – your lawyer or the other side’s shark.

You just have to hope that your shark is up to the task, because it doesn’t matter a damn whether you’re innocent or guilty, once the verdict is rendered that’s all anyone will remember. So, on to the point of this post then…

I noticed a few legal related stories this weekend that caught my attention and really just reinforced my view in the so-called legal system. Consider the first poor bastard in Texas who was executed last week because of a computer glitch. Well, that’s not entirely fair – let me clarify. His defence team were due to submit an appeal to delay his execution and allow further consideration, but unfortunatlely for them their computers fucked up and they couldn’t print out the appeal documentation in time… so the judge went ahead and the bugger got the lethal injection. Texas is not really a place I think I’ll ever want to go.

Then over in India Judges are being sent back to school, sort of. Aparently the quality of lower court judges is so iffy that when they render any judgements that are considered ‘questionable’ they get sentanced themselves, to 3 months law school again as a kind of refresher course. There doesn’t appear to be any mention of whether such rulings are still upheld, but I get the impression they are since the refresher courese are post-ruling, so to speak… so pity the poor sods who get those judges on their cases since no matter how iffy their rulings are, they are still upheld.

Still, even iffy rulings india are not as crazy as some other countries. Over in my favourite insane aslyum, Japan, a court recently had to deal with ‘gift rage’ (you heard it here first folks, add this one to road rage, air rage etc.). A disgruntled worker who gave his boss a box of sweets went nutso when he discovered his boss had not in fact opened said gift, so he pretty much demolished the office in his fit of pique and ended up in court for his troubles. Japan is about as weird as it gets on this planet – I know, I’ve been there - and I’m not sure I’d ever want to end up in a japanese court for anything.

Still, the one I’m waiting for is the bio-terror alert caused in London eariler this week which had the anti-terrorism, fire brigade, police and fuck knows who else all on alert over a suspected chemical attack in downtown Soho. And the cause of all this fuss?… a Thai cook preparing a traditional chilli dish which required the boiling down of 9lbs of hot chillis. Yup, a real threat there right enough. No doubt some enterprising soul will take the poor sods to court to help fund the cost of all the so-called emergency response teams.

And the point of all this random legal looniness? Well, on any given day you can read the newspapers, browse the internet news sites or watch the TV and I can pretty much bet you will find some similarly crazy, out-of-whack stories from almost any country or jurisdiction, because people may do crazy things that end them up in court, but once they get there… that’s when the real crazy kicks in.

Remember folks, it’s not about right and wrong. It’s not about truth. Hell it’s not even about guilty or innocent.

It’s about the law, and the whackjobs who practice it.